Life is all about Choices...

I missed u a little, but i know u'll never be back.
You flew away as the wind comes.
It was a thunderstorm.
I ran towards the shelter as another gust of wind blew
with rain coming down hard.
I didn't expect u to leave me.
I saw u falling into the water.
I'm sorry that i couldn't save you

You've been with me through mountains,
Through countries,
Through sweat, through hardwork
Through injuries,
my sorrows, my joy,
Thank you for protecting me.
It's my fault for not holding you tight.

I hope u're somewhere now doing good.
Thank you for being part of me all these years.
My adidias blue cap. (even though u're not the genuine one)
Farewell my beloved friend

Why the world is the way they are? Have u ever wonder? There are times when everything seems meaningless to be done. But Man never seems to realise and stuck themselves in doing the same things again and again. Things we think are important. Everyone only thinks of survival in this life, this world.
For survival, we have to earn hard for money, save hard, pay for housing,car and support family. Do Man really think they come to this world with the goal just to live life to earn money, to have family, have stress and then live this world? Is this how man are?
I start to wonder what god, buddha have in their mind, how monks, nuns have in their minds before they give up the worldly life to the path they chosen.
So what if we have that momentarily happiness, to find the love one in your life, have family, have career and then leave this world. To find yourself back to earth again in next life. And every life is just to go through this routine of study, work, family and death?

Feeling finally landing on a right career, i listened to the goal of boss today, and then i see the stress of people trying their best to come out with new things, trying to hard to prove themselves just to make the mark. Afraid of being marked out. What is this? On weekdays, i walked by the business district and people in business suits seems to be speaking some kind of greek language.

Today i played with children to build sandcastles by the beach, children who are mentally challenged, they threw sand at me, afraid to go near the sea, the smile on their faces. I enjoyed this 2hours with them so much more than back to the conference room, hearing the so called adult speech and greek talk.
The smiles on the children faces that we brought seems more meaningful to me than meeting targets and impressing people.

Finally finished reading The Lotus Sutra. I don't think i fully grasp the true meaning. Towards the end, something caught me. The teachings of The Lotus Sutra is said to be the Supreme Truth. I quote below:

"....all the various religions in the world today clutter the way to mankind's common well-being but that in the future, without fail, all religions & learning will converge in the teaching of the Buddha.
Final truth, as best, can only be one, and so if all human beings move upward on the Way, though only bit by bit, they must arrive at last at the one teaching."

Spiritual part of life is something i can't explain as well. U'll just know and feel that the answer is that. Today, a lady said beside me as I ate, she worship both hinduism and buddhism but she came to listen to Buddhism to understand more. She was surprised why i was there when most people who are interested in the spiritual part of life are usually those who hit their late life. I don't think age is any factor. It's whether u really pause in your life to question. And there's nothing wrong with others who don't believe in religions as well.

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I had a rain tree that grows outside my flat. Every morning the tree is the first thing i see as i opened my eyes. Since young, the rain tree has been faithfully 'smiling' outside my window, standing firmly. Just now, as i happen to look out the window, i wonder, what if one day, i no longer see this rain tree. This friend i've grow up with from young? If one day someone came to cut the tree? ....

Wana write something but don't know what to write. My body always smells real bad after work. When tired, i can't do spinning else my head will spin together like this morning. But i miss spinning la if 1whole week never touch.

Words are just words. The more one speaks, does it helps the other party u so earnestly wish to help? If the listener is not ready to listen, no point in trying to talk it through. Nothing will be absorbed.
Idle chatting seems meaningless as well.
I find the Precepts in Buddhism quite practical in fact.
Sometimes the work or other parts of your life catch up with you so much that ur mind are all messed up even when u're sleeping. Felt like this a while back, this morning feel the urge to have meditation but don't know how. Just sit quietly somewhere on your own to empty your mind helps.
Seekin Zen master hahaha....

Cluttered desk, opened word doc. , things to be done. Yet, i'm bored.
Alright, my mind is not quiet

Sometimes work seems like going back to school. With projects and datelines, except minus the exams.
I think i can see myself eating non-stop again when my stress level shoots up... my gym better save me else i'll turn into a pig again.. *chomp, *chomp *chomp

I received a forwarded email story in Chinese. Nearly brought me to tears...
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七个对不起，让你懂得什么是爱。

男孩和女孩从小就认识，男孩经常约女孩一起去村外的池塘边捉小虾，每次男孩总是满载而归，女孩却是两手空空，女孩总是失落的含着眼泪，独自一个人回到家，然后闷闷不乐。晚饭前，男孩敲响女孩家的门，女孩一见是男孩，扭头就走，男孩追上前，对女孩说：“对不起，我把你的虾都捉走了，给，我把它们养在小鱼缸里，送给你。”女孩眉头一放，慧心的笑了，就这样反复着他们纯纯的童年，转眼，他们各自成长着。
——纯纯的“对不起”。

男孩总是喜欢戏弄女孩，经常会把女孩逗到哭，然后又去哄女孩到她笑为止，直到长大后，也是如此。
男孩经常偷偷的把女孩的自行车轮胎的气放到没有，然后躲在远处，看女孩着急的走投无路，等着女孩拨通他的手机，然后破口大骂他的小贼行为。可男孩，依旧那么喜欢这样的女孩。他窃窃的从远处走来，灰溜溜的为女孩推着那辆没了气的自行车，任由女孩在一旁发牢骚，男孩却暗自窃喜，然后委屈的对女孩说：“对不起，我知道错了。”随即，女孩便会柔弱下来，告诉男孩下次不允许那样，男孩点头，于是，那时的他们每天都充满着笑容。

—— “对不起”的快乐。

大学毕业后，男孩和女孩各自有了工作，男孩的工作总是很忙，有时一个月都休息不到一次，而女孩总是抱怨男孩冷落了她，终于，他们有了第一次的吵架。女孩委屈的哭起来，可男孩却很理直气壮的告诉女孩：“这是为了我的工作。”这场冷战持续了很久。终于，女孩还是忍不住，主动和男孩和好了。后来很多次男孩和女孩都因为这样的小事而吵得不可开交，可每次，都是女孩先妥协。
那年，女孩生日，男孩答应女孩要给他过一个浪漫的生日，女孩欣喜不已，她在家精心打扮，等着男孩回来陪她渡过这个美妙的生日，这一等就是凌晨，女孩在睡梦中醒来，脸上挂着泪痕，男孩见到女孩，心疼的为女孩擦去脸庞的泪痕：“对不起，嫁给我好吗？”于是男孩拿出一枚戒指。

—— “对不起”也是一种承诺。

婚后，男孩的事业大有成就，经常有许多应酬，而女孩已经成为一个专职太太了，每天在家为男孩准备热菜热饭，把家里收拾的干干净净，她经常会去菜场买回一些小河虾放在鱼缸里养着，男孩总问他为什么，女孩却总是慧心的一笑。
慢慢的，男孩每次回家，身上总是充满了不同的香水味道，而每次没等女孩问，男孩总是忙着解释说应酬太多。女孩黯然，那时起，女孩不太爱说话了，也不像以前那么开朗了，她总是喜欢成天的呆在家里，抱着枕头看韩剧，然后随着剧情哭泣，夜深时，就会疯狂的大哭。以后的日子里，男孩回来时，身上的香水味只有一种味道了，女孩从来不问，可是男孩依旧说：“对不起，今天又去应酬了。”

—— “对不起”，谎言的开始。

渐渐的，男孩开始不回家，或总是在外出差，男孩的事业越来越好，身边都是奉承的人，他每天都在别人的恭维下自豪的笑着，而女孩，几乎不出门了，她总会去超市买上很多方便面，和一些必要的日用品，然后把自己关在家里，这一呆就是很久。从前，女孩会经常和男孩一起聊聊天，而现在，她孤身一人，身边没有一个可以说话的人，每次打电话问男孩什么时候回家，男孩总是仓促的回答到：“对不起，我太忙了。”女孩，失落的扣上电话，那以后她再也没有问男孩什么时候会回家。

—— “对不起”，只是个敷衍的方式。

女孩学着电视上的样子，开始打扮自己，她觉得男孩不回家，也许是看腻了她，她决定不再颓废，自己的幸福应该靠自己争取，而不是无谓的后退。
那天，女孩心血来潮，按照地址去了男孩工作的地方，那是女孩第一次去，也是唯一的一次。女孩涩涩的按下电梯，来到这个男孩经常说忙的地方，她细细的观察这个公司的每个角落，这里的一切，她都觉得很好看。终于，绕过长长的办公走廊，她来到男孩的办公室，轻轻的推开门……女孩愣住了，眼前看到的不是自己的丈夫，也不是那个经常弄坏她自行车的那个贼小子，更不是那个把虾放在小鱼缸里的男孩，而是一个正在和别的女人做爱的男人。那个女人坐在桌子上，**的发出微弱的呻吟声，那个男人，仿佛山林里饿极了的野兽……
许久，男孩才发现了女孩，男孩惊慌失措，忙把衣裤捡起来穿好。可女孩，转身离开了。男孩飞奔出去，追着女孩，那晚，大雨袭击了整个城市。女孩不顾男孩的叫喊，径直往前跑，往回家的方向跑，男孩在女孩后面大喊：“对不起，我还是爱你的，对不起，我真的只爱你。”可女孩，始终没有听见。

—— 这样的“对不起”太伤人。

男孩一直都没有找到女孩，女孩失踪很久了。男孩的世界已经一片黑暗，无心工作，无心花天酒地，他想不到女孩可以去哪里，因为女孩没有朋友，她唯一的朋友就是男孩，男孩终日守着电话机，手机24小时不关机，怕错过了女孩的电话。这一等就是半年多。
快递为男孩送来一个盒子。
男孩打开一看，里面是许多河虾的标本，有的在树叶边休息，有的在水草里躲着，各式各样的河虾标本，旁边放着一封信。

“ 我始终没有勇气再见到你，可能是我太懦弱，也或许是我根本不想见到你，我想这些『警告：注意文明用语！』应该过的没什么两样吧，我很好，我学会了离开你怎么让自己存活，我懂得了怎样赚钱养活自己，而不用每天等着你回家，为你烧一桌热腾腾的饭菜，直到凉了也不见你的人，我的手机已经不用了，因为我已经不会再为你24小时的不关机，让自己饱受辐射的折磨。我懂得怎样去爱惜自己，珍惜自己的本来应该美好的生活。我想，我是可以忘记怎么去爱你的，因为你把我的爱弄得遍地麟伤。
离婚协议书，就压在鱼缸的底下，你签完字，按照地址给我寄过来就行了。
对不起，我想我是真的累了。”

男孩按照地址找去，他满心希望能够见到女孩，然后让女孩原谅，并且告诉女孩自己不能没有她，可是打开门的却是女孩的父亲，而女孩就站在她父亲的身后——是女孩的遗像。
女孩的父亲告诉男孩，女孩在写完这封信后，跳楼自杀了，血肉一片模糊。

—— 原来“对不起”也可以是种结束。

那一年，男孩疯了。

每个人在自己的生命里头，一定会遇到一个自己真正该珍惜的人。请你好好的珍惜那一个人，不是每一句的对不起，都可以换来每一句的没关系……千万不要辜负了自己心爱的人，那对谁，都不好……把这个故事传下去，让你的朋友们知道，不要随意地说出对不起......

sometimes speechless, other times, my fingers can just dance on the keyboard. Was deleting files and saw a video i made for my first boyfriend. Ya i don't have any r/ship till i was only 22yrs old? Not that i reminscience about the r/ship but it brings me back what i've done for my life till now. School yrs of exams stress. Years of studying without questioning about reasons of life and self existence.

Then came the time of my first faraway trip to US, the first big eye opener in my life where i fell in love with travelling. Cos travelling opened up my eyes, it's knowledge first hand. Not the enjoyment of lazing around and not working nature of travelling, but the discovery in each travel that none of the books can ever teach u no matter how they described.

Then came my first 'puppy love'? When i don't understand what this thing called love is. Back then, i'm pretty much wondering everything my bf can do, i can do. Why would i need a bf? i wonder. It was short lived cos of my self realisation & differences. Was walking and hit many walls without regrets in my career. Many times, it's not self demoralising, it's the discouraging factor of your closed ones. When u yourself is not discouraging yourself, but others closed to you discouraging. Aren't everyone supposed to support everyone? The hardest part for me is not hitting walls but the hurt of that. Hittin walls are not painful more than the lack of understanding and open-mindedness from people whom u expect to support you. Likewise, do u think money can really solve everything in life? can money bandaged wounds? Moral of the story, we're not supposed to expect anything from anyone in the first place. Live each moment at that moment.

The hurt reached a climax and now i no longer feel the hurt as much any more. I give thanks to what i have everyday.
Understanding this universal love for everyone, every living beings on this earth, withdraws me from the romantic love that most people are struggling in their life. I rem a monk said in a talk, when people are experiencing loneliness, how then can people complained about everywhere so crowded with people? This is called lonely? haha.
I think very soon, my parents will get worried about me getting old and haggard and getting lonely, is it really something to worry when it's a natural process of everyone? And who is goin to take care of me, where he is from or who he is, how much money he has, what job he has counts? If it's so headache and worrisome, why set yourself so many criterias? These are all man made factors and comparisons made on your own, set by the world by worldy beings. Nothing hurt much more than an arrow shot straight to your heart and torn apart than having less a bungalow to stay in, or less a car to drive in.

For me in the past, i would have let my anger last very long, but not now. Do not let anger overcome you in any point in life.
Ok my fingers should stopped dancing now... stop stop fingers...

The Gift of Truth excels all other Gifts ~ The Buddha